We must be willing to ‘talk about it’
Everyone in our democracy must be able to speak their minds about public issues. Speaking up needs to be safe, responsible, respectful and free. This includes airing differences, supplying facts, and explaining opinions and options.
Even in conversations with people with whom we seem to agree, it’s important to air differences. This can be challenging, yet it’s worth it because we can learn from each other.
Conversations with others who have very different perspectives, or whose views seem to be underinformed or based on inaccurate information, or different values, can be much harder.
Basic Guidelines:
- Be curious and listen to understand.
- Show respect and suspend judgment.
- Note any common ground as well as any differences.
- Be authentic and welcome that from others.
- Be purposeful and to the point.
- Own and guide the conversation.
How can we effectively navigate these varied circumstances? Here are five suggestions:
- It’s good to have a goal. You might want to learn about others’ perspectives and how they came to them. You might want to express your own views and be taken seriously. It’s best to be civil and constructive. If there’s a downward spiral, it’s OK to take a time out.
- Establish a personal connection. Tell stories from your life and ask about theirs; look for common themes. Ask, “I wonder…?” or “I’m curious about…” Note opportunities to bond and connect over shared experiences and interests. You also show respect when you ask: “What am I missing on this topic? How can I learn something more about this?”
- When something you disagree about comes up, you might ask: How did you develop that viewpoint? What is your source of information? What experiences shape your opinion? Focus on personal stories and look for areas you have in common. You might discuss values (e.g., caring, fairness, freedom, equality before the law, honesty). Or you might explore overlaps in specific situations. In what circumstances might one value take precedence? Why? We have a lot to learn from each other.
- Another approach is to get down to brass tacks and ask about democracy. Taking a suggestion from the book, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, you might pose a simple poll to them: on a scale of 1 to 10, with one being “I have no concerns about American democracy at all” and 10 being “American democracy is at the most serious risk in its history,” what number would you choose? Why? What might cause you to change your mind? There could be genuine curiosity about their explanations without having to agree with their viewpoints.
- Find ways to work together on a project of mutual interest. Schools? Performing Arts? Open Space? Fire Safety? This can demonstrate that democracy (e.g., disagreeing respectfully, setting rules and establishing fair processes, listening actively, etc.) can help produce wiser, fairer, more lasting, and more efficient outcomes.
Don’t Coerce. Listen First!
Beyond Conflict Institute reports “people perceive that the other side disagrees with them far more than is actually the case.”
So let’s find the courage to
- GET CURIOUS!
- ASK QUESTIONS!
- LISTEN TO LEARN!
- LOOK FOR COMMON GROUND!
- We can always agree to disagree.
- If things get heated, take a break!
Check out these articles for more:
Are we really as divided as we think? How dark forces are attempting to alienate us from our neighbours, The Toronto Star, April 25, 2023, by Frank Giustra
Yes, It’s Possible to (Gracefully) Talk Politics at Work, Harvard Business Review, October 30, 2020, by Raina Brands
Keeping It Civil: How To Talk Politics Without Letting Things Turn Ugly, NPR, April 12, 2019, by Caroline Kelly