Category: how-to

A Very Practical Guide

by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay

Publisher: Balance

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A Summary of the Key Points

Seven Fundamentals of Good Conversations

• Goals – Why are you engaged in this conversation?
• Partnerships – Be partners, not advocates
• Rapport – Develop and maintain a good connection
• Listen – Listen more, talk less
• Shoot the Messenger – Delivering “messages” doesn’t work, have a “conversation,” an exchange instead
• Intentions – People have better intentions than you may think
• Walk Away – Don’t push your conversational partner beyond their conflict zone

Beginner Level: Nine Ways to Start Changing Minds

• Modeling – Model the behavior you want to see in others
• Words – Define terms up front
• Ask Questions – Focus on a specific question with genuine curiosity; avoid generalities, broad conclusions
• Acknowledge Extremists – Point out and acknowledge unhelpful things people on your side have done
• Navigating Social Media – Do not vent on social media
• Don’t Blame, Do Discuss Contributions – Shift from “blaming” terms to “contribution” language,
  acknowledging things that got us to this unhappy place and emphasizing how to move forward
• Focus on Epistemology – Figure out how people “know” what they claim to know, what’s the evidence
• Learn – Learn what makes someone close-minded, what personal experiences have led them to a position
• What NOT to Do (Reverse Applications) – A list of fundamental and basic conversational mistakes

Intermediate Level: Seven Ways to Improve Your Interventions

• Let Friends Be Wrong – It’s okay if someone disagrees with you, even about a cherished conclusion
• Build Golden Bridges – Find ways for your conversation partner to avoid social embarrassment if they
  change their mind
• Language – Avoid “you,” switch to third person or collaborative language like “we” and “us”
• Stuck? Reframe – Shift the conversation to keep it going smoothly or to get it back on track, use metaphors
• Change Your Mind – Change your mind on the spot or be willing to reconsider
• Introduce Scales – Use scales to gauge effective interventions, figure out how confident someone is in a
  belief, seeking places where they might be willing to reconsider, and put issues into perspective
• Outsourcing – Turn to outside information to answer the question, “How do you know that?”

Five Advanced Skills for Contentious Conversations

• Keep Rapoport’s Rules – Re-express, list points of agreement, mention what you learned, only then rebut
• Avoid Facts – Bringing facts into a conversation requires considering timing and what counts as evidence
• Seek Disconfirmation – How could that belief be incorrect?
• Yes, and … — Eliminate the word “but” from your spoken vocabulary; affirm first, then add
• Dealing with Anger – Know thyself; don’t escalate, monitor your emotions and take a pause if necessary

Six Expert Skills to Engage the Close-Minded

• Synthesis – Recruit your partner to help refine and synthesize your positions
• Help Vent Steam – Talk through emotional roadblocks
• Altercasting – Cast your partner in a role that helps her think and behave differently
• Hostage Negotiations – Use research-based ideas from hostage negotiations: mini-encouragers, mirroring, etc
• Probe the Limits – Engage someone who professes a belief that can’t be lived, unmask disingenuous stmts.
• Counter-Intervention Strategies – If someone is trying to intervene in your cognitive processes, go with it…

Master Level: Two Keys to Conversing

• How to Converse with an Ideologue – Switch to moral epistemology, talk about values
• Moral Reframing – Learn to speak moral dialects, study Jonathan Haidt’s moral foundations